Houston, we have a problem...Life on Mars looks eerily familiar.

Now, I know it is the depths of cliche to write a post about/on Valentine's Day, but I couldn't resist; through the years, I've learned there are two groups of people-those who wait, with barely concealed delight, in anticipation of the arrival of this pink-inundated holiday to roll around every year, and those who rail against the injustices of the romantic universe and wear all black in rebellion against the popular (read, according to them-"unoriginal") support of the annual wearing of the heart on the sleeve. I, hopefully, fall into neither category; I simply try to ignore its existence, and have found this tactic to be highly effective.

I do, however, have some thoughts to share on the matter. Nothing much has happened lately, so I've been struggling to detect any small event which would lend itself well to the relation of an entertaining anecdote. Finally, glancing through my planner, and noticing that Valentine's Day was, this year, preceded by a Friday the 13th (a fact I find highly amusing and befitting), I have hopefully hit upon something.

I began wondering why Friday the 13th is considered unlucky, certainly there had to be some historical basis for it. Which led me to think.........why and how has Valentine's day become the highly commercialized, sickeningly false-sentimental celebration of something which more often than not makes us act like total morons, something we give the euphemisms 'love' and 'romance'? I have learned that we have, more often than not, degenerated from the historical origins of a holiday, and taken it so completely out of context that our predecessors wouldn't recognize it if they suddenly found themselves thrust in the midst of our commercially-driven celebrations.

(First-Friday 13th-In some ancient cultures, Friday, or their sixth day of the week, whatever appellation they chose to give it, was a lucky day. However, it gained a bit of a bad connotation when Christ was crucified on a Friday, a sentiment which was only heightened later in history, when Friday became execution day in England; likewise, one reason 13 is considered an unlucky number in our culture, a strong derivation from English culture, is that the executioner was paid 13 pence for each execution he performed.)

Now, my reasons for why Valentine's Day is such an overly-advertised holiday, which we have turned into something it was never intended to be, which is why we should just ignore it......all with historical fact to vindicate my opinion. Prepare yourselves:

1. The reason we call it 'Valentine's Day' hearkens back to the early days of Christianity. The most predominant legend has it that Valentine was a priest in Rome, who, in defiance of a decree given forth by Emperor Claudius II, continued to perform marriages in secret. (If anyone wants to know why marriages were banned, I'll explain, but, as it has no bearing on this argument, I'll omit that detail for now...) Valentine was arrested and beheaded, but only after penning a note to his jailer's daughter, which he signed "from your Valentine." He was later canonized for his noble sacrifice for the illusion of everlasting love. So, someone is beheaded by a twisted, cruel, deranged regime.........how romantic! (Incidentally, as I said, this is only the predominant story circulating. In actuality, there are multiple St. Valentine's listed, hailing from different regions, as being executed on 14 February. So, again, I argue-there is no solid foundation for this eye-twitch inducing holiday.)

2. Cupid, the most recognizable symbol of this garish holiday, an adorable, rosy-cheeked cherub who desires nothing more than to help hapless individuals humiliate themselves, all in the name of love. Hmmmm, about that......According to Greek mythology, Cupid was involved in a rather unfortunate romantic entanglement which didn't end well for anyone. The story is replete with jealousy and cruel machinations (I know that word sounds like one you shouldn't use in polite society, but it's okay, seriously, look it up.) There was a young mortal woman, Psyche, who was possessed of a beauty which rivaled even Venus's. (Why is it never, 'she was so intelligent that even the gods were jealous'? I mean, really, it's okay to be dumb as long as you're decorative?) Venus became so jealous she sent her son, Cupid, to cause Psyche to fall in love with the most loathsome creature imaginable. But, surprise, surprise, Cupid falls in love with Psyche....(Raise your hand if you already want to join the rest of us who are in the corner, gagging.........) So, blah, blah, leave out some details, over time, Psyche is sent to live on a mountain by herself. But, as everyone is willing to make amends and rectify hurts for attractive people, the West Wind feels sorry for Psyche and moves her to a lovely country where she becomes romantically involved with Cupid, although she never actually sees his face. (Sounds a bit like online dating, doesn't it? Boy, those Greeks really were progressive thinkers with their 'democracy' and all.....) But, alas, true love, even blind true love (I'm sorry, I repeat myself), never proceeds unhindered. Psyche's sisters come for a visit, become jealous and convince her she needs to know what her (now) husband looks like. Okay, okay, this is sometimes described as pernicious, but personally I think the sisters were only being rational, which is sometimes unfortunately misconstrued as being pernicious when it interferes with 'love.' She takes their advice, but he awakens, and, hurt at her 'distrust,' flees the palace. Where does he flee to? Back to Mama......yep, that's the kind of man we all need, ladies. Venus becomes even more angry at Psyche, now that her baby boy's heart has been broken, so she decides to take her revenge. (Talk about epitome of mother-in-law-from-hades.) Blah, blah, time passes, Psyche's miserable without her man, someone else comes to help her out of distress, because she can't take care of herself (but hey, her hair looked GREAT), and she goes to find Cupid. Venus then gives Psyche a box and tells her she must go to the 'underworld,' fill the box with beauty and bring it back to her. So, beauty can be bought in a box, apparently, if you're willing to go through Hell for it. On the return trip, Psyche becomes curious and wants some of the beauty for herself. (Sounds like backstage at the Miss America pageant.) She opens the box and falls into a death-like stupor. Cupid, regretting running back to Mama, comes to find her, and wakes her from her deathlike stupor. They get married and live happily ever after. The end.

Does anyone else find this disturbing rather than romantic? Maybe I just find romance disturbing in general. It's a total, voluntary abandonment of reason and logic......

3. For many years, Valentine's Day was not remembered for it's romantic potential, but a brutal massacre, spawned by the rivalries of two warring gangs during the Prohibition era. On February 14, 1929, Al Capone had seven members of the rivaling gang of Bugs Moran mowed down in cold blood. The murders were so heinous that they even shocked a country that had become nearly immune to such horrors due to their regular occurrence, and the date was, for years afterward, connected in the minds of the general public, with Valentine's Day.

See? Florists, chocolate factories, and Hallmark have all reconstructed the day to suit their shallow purposes. So, if you ask me, we should take Valentine's Day off the calendar, as it has been twisted from its historical origins. My loathing for Valentine's Day is strictly academic..........I think I'll go watch a program on the History Channel about the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.......Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.