(Me a couple (or four) decades in the future.....Notice that one kid in the front, the only one not paying attention? That was me a couple of decades in the past....only the girl-type version....)You know how everyone has a particular phrase or collection of phrases which, when uttered, forces you to suppress the urge to cause 'death by asphyxiation' to appear on the speaker's death certificate? Okay, maybe it's just me....Anyway, I have a few such as, "Well, actually......." You just know something smart-aleck is formulating in their little pea-brain. My favorites, however, have recently become: "It must be so nice to work in a library and read all of these books!" "I should work here, I love to read!" "I just love all kids." "I have never met a child I don't like." Or, after a battle with the modern juvenile equivalent of Attila the Hun and his army of barbarians, "It's so nice and quiet in here!" I once resorted to looking in the personnel information notebook in a fruitless, futile, and quite frankly irritating search for some inconsequential particle of recycled wood product and came across a reserve stack of voluntary commitment papers for the nut-house, I mean, "spa." (Not really, but I wouldn't be surprised if I had....) Why? You might well ask. Well, let me 'splain......
Here, in abridged form, is one day in the public library:
We share the building with the city parks and recreation. Which means, incidentally, that we assist them in running their summer camps. They descend every day at 1:30 like a plague of locusts; even retired kindergarten teachers blanch with fear. Good thing no way has been found to inject chocolate directly into the blood stream or librarians would soon be attending group rehabilitation in droves. 12:59 Thursday afternoon found me steeling myself for the onslaught when the phone rang. I resisted the temptation to answer it with my most professional recording voice "We're sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected. Please hang up and redial." Instead I recited, "East Branch Library, how may I help you?" (person on the other end) "HELLO??????" (Me) "Hello? This is East Branch Library....." "Is this the East Branch?" "Nope, we just say that to throw people off. Oddly enough, you're the first person to catch it today. You've won 15, 000 dollars, congratulations!" The conversation proceeded, I renewed some books, looked others up, etc. "Now, is this the East Branch?" "Yes ma'am." "Alright, I wanted to come pick up some books, have you got any?" "No ma'am, we're fresh out; the delivery truck comes on Tuesdays." The locusts arrived. We resigned ourselves to metaphorical slaughter. (Remarkably enough, though we don't appear so, librarians are an amazingly hearty bunch. We've become like the speech in Shakespeare's Henry V "He that shall see this day and live t'old age/Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors,/And say, "Tomorrow is Saint Crispian."/Then he will strip his sleeve and show his scars"/We few, we happy few, we band of brothers./For he today that sheds his blood with me/Shall be my brother.") Anyway, we began to salvage our sanity and salve our wounds. A small group of stray children wandered in; one who appeared to be around 4 or 5 inquired, "Is this a day-care?" "Yes. Yes, it is...."
In all too short a period for adequate respite, the fire alarm sounded. The first fire drill we've ever had, and it has to be now. In sweltering weather in which a fish could sweat, cold blood and all. I asked the director of the practice fire drill, "What if the patrons won't get up?" With no apparent compunction she answered bluntly, "Leave 'em." Good enough. After an apparently appropriate amount of time we wandered back into the building. As we returned to our guard post at the front desk, an individual meandered rather aimlessly up to the counter. "May I help you?" "I want a library card." "Yep, I want a 1957 cherry red Chevy Bel-Aire. So?" No, what I really said was, (Smiling as pleasantly as I could manage) "Do you have any current i.d.?" "Do you know.....?" And she named some random individual. "Incidentally, no, I don't. What does that have to do with the price of eggs in China?" "She lives right behind here." "Well, that's a wonderful thing for her. You know what they say 'Location, location, location.'" "She's my grandma." "Good to know." "She has a library card." Then it hit me. This was the 'current i.d.' apparently. Well, sweetheart, I know people in California, but I don't think they'll give me a home loan because of it. The matter was adeptly handled by someone else and I dragged my nearly deceased old bones out to lunch. Yes, lunch. At 3:30 in the afternoon. But, miracle of miracles, I scraped through, at least long enough to torture everyone with this post.
























